Musically, things are going well for me these days. I feel like, at times, I’m almost capable of conveying everything I have to say and hear in my playing.
But not always. There are still some insecurities and technical things I need to work out. Like this horrendous passage at the end of the 1st mvmt. of the “Three Studies on Flight.” At times, I can just – BAM – pop it out. But more often then not, I get all the way to the end – and that last damned high B pathetically pops the under tone. It’s like longing for a glazed donut and when you get it and excitedly sink your teeth into it, you realize how GAWD awful stale it is. It’s very disappointing.
And I want to scream EVERY-TIME it happens. I feel bad for the people that practice around me – they must hate me. I can hear their thoughts sometimes, “Just play SOMETHING else! Damn it, no one wants to hear that shit.” At least, that’s what I would be thinking if practicing next to someone playing lit. as weird as that.
Such is life. I’ve come to the realization of things over the past few hours – having a few minutes to allow my mind to digest the past weeks happenings – and I’m almost at some sort of functioning level with the people around me. Sometimes it’s still very hard for me to want to really talk with people these days – especially when I’m so consumed by my studies, playing, and music. The added benefit, I guess, would be that my playing is growing at a much faster rate – and I can’t eat – even if I force myself too.
So, I’ll be an ‘amazing’ anorexic clarinetist! YES!
The sacrifices one makes. I guess…
Off to bed before 2am, such a rarity these days. Up early to score study and practice.