In the recent months, I’ve made extensive and milestone movements towards reaching both my localized and not-so-localized goals.
In this process and movement towards greatness, I’ve made necessary and elemental changes in some of my intrinsic social relationships.
And by that, I mean it’s time to take out the garbage.
Moving to Cincinnati has been one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. But that decision has not been without its consequences, let downs, and bad moments. I’ve learned from my experiences here that I have too much faith and empathy in people. I’ve learned that I continually put other people before my own needs.
Mind you, needs, not wants or desires. I’ve learned that I’ve been doing this for years – it’s part of our human nature – we have this undying need for people to love us, to want us, and to need us a around.
But as I become more and more involved in achieving my dreams – I find that I become more and more distant from people – my friends.
Even as I’m writing this, it saddens me to think how few close relationships I have here. I’ve become so engulfed in pursuing my dreams and goals – that the friends I had – have all but disappeared. Many removed me from their facebook profiles – which I find rather childish – and yet they refuse to even talk to me.
Many of these people I’ve given up weeks for, people I’ve given my time, money, blood, sweat and tears. Yet refuse to confront me about problems, issues, or annoyances. I find that childish and quite frankly immature.
I’m frustrated, irritated, and upset. I have no outlet or person to talk to about this becomes I must maintain my emotional and physical well-being. I n0 longer am allowed to have emotional break downs – because I represent something far greater than me.
And my problems are just that – mine. They are something I need to work out and I don’t want to worry others with my insignificant problems.
I’m disappointed and disturbed about the way things have turned. If reaching my goals and dreams means foregoing friendship that were based off of nothing…then what are those friendships worth to me?
Even though I display an amazing emotional barrier in person – my walls are crumbling and am lacking the necessary mortar to keep the walls together.
In other news, however, my playing is through the roof – I haven’t played this well in years and I feel like I’m on top of the world.
Maybe these are the societal norms I have to give up in order to reach that ephemeral level of musicality…