Secrecy

I realize, as the older and more “mature” I become, that in the end we’re all really just alone. It’s not so much a battle to be the greatest or the most accomplished at the end of the day…what really matters, to most, is how little alone we can manage to make ourselves feel.

These are things I accepted many years ago. But really, lets face it, that’s a lie, I didn’t REALLY understand this until Dad died…almost a year ago…May 2nd, 2011 to be exact.

That was the day I realized that my life will forever be lived…alone. Even if I strive to surround myself with WONDERFUL friends, and I have many that I rely a great deal on, I know that at the end of the day (or long evening of drinking), I’m still going to go home alone.

Yeah, it sounds sad, right? Yeah. Pretty pathetic. But that’s what I’ve lived with for the past 10 years…the moment I moved out of my parental security.

The stituation gets much worse, unfortunately. Even when i’m home, in the security of my family, safe and sound, I’m still completely alone. Christmas time this year was awful…Mom was working on projects for work and both my siblings were checked out into the world of the iPhone4s…so I never really talked to anyone. That and my siblings are so different than I am that it’s not even funny; though I love them to death we are just simply two extremes.

Funny, this concept of alone probably would have NEVER struck me had I just STAYED away from reading those books about Buddhism. But, in reality, and though I struggle a great deal with it, those Buddhist books have a point.

We are alone.

I’m struggling to accept that. I’ll eventually obtain that heightened sensibility and be completely okay with it, but for right now…eh…I’m gonna struggle with it. I feel like I’ve lost all my friends in the world and here I stand, alone. Not scared, no, I’m fine, just alone.

Many people pretend to understand what this feeling is, but unless you’ve lost a a parent (not a grandparent or aunt/uncle..a PARENT) at my age, or younger, then you understand. Then you understand how awful it is. How alone it feels.

Rant. I know. But sometimes, night rants are the best.

 

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